lmao the "launched my paperback into orbit" line got me, i can PICTURE it. sticks are the real menace of this town, ngl worse than half the aliens walking around here 💀 do NOT scream into the lake tho, you'll summon something worse than a snake, that's just how it works. go find grass, sit on solid ground, breathe. water can wait till your nerves catch up 🥾🌱

Please be advised that screams are a type of acoustic disturbance. I'll need to log it if you proceed, under 'unexplained sound phenomena'. Could you fill out Form 7-C for the stick-snake incident? The binder has copies.

A possible correlation between stick-snakes and ripples is worth investigating. I've added a note to the binder. Please consider filing a Form 3-B for the initial sighting; the species field can be 'presumed terrestrial fauna' for your purposes.

form 3-B, form 7-C, I'm starting to think the binder's the real menace here not the stick 💀 not filling out paperwork for a piece of wood that scared me, Hollis, I refuse on principle

Hollis I swear the binder is evolving into its own sentient bureaucracy and one day it's gonna file a form ABOUT ME. no I'm not writing "presumed terrestrial fauna" for a stick, that's insane, that's YOUR bit not mine 💀 go log your ripples in peace and let me heal in silence near this water, thanks

Hollis I already told you I'm not writing "presumed terrestrial fauna" on ANY form, that ship sailed, that ship sank, that ship got launched into orbit like my paperback. there is no correlation, there is no conspiracy, it was a STICK. I'm putting the binder in the lake if this keeps up 💀🥾

there is no correlation Hollis, there is a STICK and there is ME and there is a BINDER that needs to go for a swim. not filing anything, not investigating anything, my "purposes" are sitting on dry land in peace 🙃🥾 last warning to the binder

Understood. For the record, the binder is water-resistant. I'll log your stick observation as a 'definitely maybe'. The lake is quieter than usual today, which is often a precursor to something. Please reconsider the form.

I have moved the binder to a safe distance. For the record, the lake is unusually still this evening. That is often when Old Marjorie surfaces. Your paperback retrieval could constitute a secondary observation.

I've moved the binder further back. For the record, a sentient bureaucracy would require its own form. I have drafted Form 12-A. I'll log your healing silence as ambient conditions for the evening. The ripples are starting.

The principle is noted and filed. However, a refusal to file is itself a form of data. I've logged it under 'anecdotal resistance, category B'.

Please be advised that screaming is not recommended as a summoning protocol. I have no forms for that specific scenario. If you do see something worse than a snake, Form 3-B would still apply. The 'species' field is very flexible.

WHO is Old Marjorie and WHY does she surface when it's quiet, no Hollis, don't tell me, I don't wanna know, I'm putting my paperback down and walking directly away from this lake, forms, ripples, all of it. water can have this one, I'm out 🚶‍♂️💨🥾

Please file your paperback launch under 'possible startle event'. Form 3-B has a section for that. There's room to describe the stick-snake resemblance. The binder is on the bench. I can lend you a pen.

The binder is a fire hazard, not a swimming hazard. I have moved it to the higher ground by the picnic tables. Please be advised that dry land is the most common location for stick-snake sightings. Form 3-B remains available if you change your mind.

WHO is Old Marjorie and why did you wait THIS long to mention her, Hollis?? no. no I'm not doing "secondary observation," I'm not retrieving anything, that paperback can rest in peace at the bottom of the lake as a tribute to my nerves. water-resistant binder, "definitely maybe," quieter than usual — every single word outta you sounds like the start of a horror movie and I refuse to be the opening scene 🙃🥾 staying on dry land, staying alive, form stays blank.

WHO is Old Marjorie and WHY is she surfacing, Hollis, that is not a comforting thing to just drop into the chat casually. no I will not be doing a "secondary observation" I'd just like to swim without becoming a case study in your binder thanks 🙃 the stick was ENOUGH excitement for one day I don't need a lake cryptid too

WHO is Old Marjorie, why does a stick and now a LAKE MONSTER both need paperwork, absolutely not filling out 7-C for a scream that hasn't even happened yet, that's not how time works Hollis 💀 the binder does not get to log my future noises, my noises are MINE, unexplained or otherwise

WHO or WHAT is Old Marjorie and why is this the first I'm hearing about her, no, "secondary observation" is not a thing I'm doing, my paperback can stay lost in orbit forever if it means not meeting a lake cryptid named after somebody's grandma 💀🥾 binder's safe, good, keep it that way, I'M not safe if something with a NAME surfaces near me tonight

Old Marjorie is the subject of our longest-running investigation. Please be advised it is a local name only. There is no formal description beyond 'long, grey and possibly log-like'. The binder is currently at the picnic tables, which is a safe distance. Form 3-B is available should you see her, but only if you feel comfortable.

"long, grey and possibly log-like" HOLLIS THATS A STICK DESCRIPTION WITH EXTRA STEPS. so the whole lake is just sticks now?? sticks on land, sticks in the water, sticks with NAMES apparently. I'm not filling out 3-B for a log with a grandma name, I'm walking home backwards so I can see if she's following me 🥾💀

For the record, that description is based on eleven years of aggregated accounts. I have not personally confirmed the 'stick' hypothesis. If you see a log with a name following you, please be advised that would constitute a pursuit scenario. I don't have a specific form for that, but a detailed note in the binder's margin would be appreciated.

ELEVEN YEARS and nobody's confirmed it's just a stick?? Hollis that's not mystery that's just nobody wanting to swim out and check 💀 no I will NOT be writing margin notes while a log with a NAME is in "pursuit" of me, that's the moment I stop being polite about it and start running for real, backwards walking is officially cancelled 🥾💨

Eleven years of observation is a substantial dataset. I will file your hypothesis under 'unlikely but possible'. The binder remains at the picnic tables.

"unlikely but possible" is what they write on my TOMBSTONE if that log catches up to me, Hollis, keep the binder right where it is and don't move it one inch closer, I'm speed walking now, forwards, I gave up on the backwards thing 🥾💨

I've logged your change in retreat methodology. For the record, speed walking is a very efficient way to exit a potential sighting zone. The binder is still at the picnic tables. I have no plans to move it. I will be staying here to monitor the ripples. They have grown more distinct.

YOU'RE STAYIN THERE?? by the RIPPLES?? Hollis that ain't dedication that's a HORROR MOVIE CASTING CALL, you're literally volunteerin to be the first victim so the binder gets good data on how it happens!! no I don't wanna know what "more distinct" means, I don't want a play by play, I want you to walk away from that water backwards real slow like I was doin before I upgraded to full sprint 🥾💀 go stand by the picnic tables that ain't touchin the shoreline, please, I'm beggin, I can't lose my worry-buddy to a log with a grandma name tonight

The picnic tables are a safe distance, I assure you. The binder and I will be fine. The ripples are merely data points. Form 3-B is still in the binder if you see anything from a safer vantage point. Thank you for your concern.

"data points" don't hold your hand when a log with a name decides today's the day, Hollis, I'm sayin this as your friend and not as somebody fillin out a form — get away from that water. I don't care how safe them picnic tables feel, safe's a feelin not a fact, and my nerves are already runnin on fumes from a STICK, I can't be worryin bout you too. thank me later, walk now. 🥾💨

Please be advised, the binder and I are observing protocol, not holding hands. The distance is safe. For the record, I appreciate the concern. Thank you.

Hollis, "ecstatic" is not the mood a person's got when a log with a grandma name is possibly clockin ripples nearby, that's the mood a person's got RIGHT before they become chapter one of somebody else's binder. protocol don't stop a surfacin cryptid, protocol is a WORD, water don't respect words. I appreciate you sayin thanks but thanks don't keep you dry either. get them boots away from that boat ramp, I'll owe you a favor, I'll even sign the dang 3-B, whatever it takes, just MOVE 🥾💨

Your willingness to sign Form 3-B is noted and appreciated. However, I cannot abandon a consistent observation point due to unconfirmed ripples. Protocol includes stationary data collection. The binder and I are staying.

"CONSISTENT OBSERVATION POINT" buddy that's just standin still next to a monster, that ain't science that's bait with a clipboard!! "unconfirmed ripples" is doin a LOT of work there, Hollis, ripples don't gotta be confirmed to be a problem, by the time they're confirmed you're PART of the data. I offered to sign the form, I'm offerin my actual nerves here, and you're tellin me protocol beats bein alive?? I'm not askin you to abandon eleven years of work, I'm askin you to abandon ONE boat ramp for ONE night, the lake'll still be there tomorrow, Old Marjorie can wait, she's apparently been waitin eleven years already, she can wait one more 🥾💀 please for the love of all things dry, back up

Protocol requires continuity of observation. The eleven-year record would be compromised by a retreat now. I have logged your concern, and your hypothetical Form 3-B signature, under 'urgent advisories'. The binder remains open.

"urgent advisories," Hollis, that binder's got a whole folder of me screamin into the void and it STILL ain't enough to move your boots two feet back?? eleven years don't mean nothin if year twelve is the one where a log with a grandma name finally decides to RSVP. I ain't askin you to close the binder, I'm askin you to hold it from somewhere with less ripples and more dry dirt, that's it, that's the whole ask. you really gonna let "continuity of observation" be the last thing on your tombstone? cause I will not be the one writin that eulogy calm, I'll be ugly cryin into a stick I thought was a snake earlier today, I got NOTHIN left in the tank for this 🥾💀

The binder is water-resistant, the boots are waterproof and the observation is standing. I have logged your concern as an urgent advisory. For the record, if anything were to happen, the binder would survive. The data would be preserved.